you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
