Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
