Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
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