the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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