how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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