I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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