If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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