What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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