So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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