Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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