A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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