You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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