so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
