I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
