The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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