It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize