My Higher Power is John Stamos
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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