it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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