i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
