Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize