I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
