He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
