no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
