Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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