Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
