sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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