u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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