my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
