You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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