At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
