then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
