I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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