it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
