How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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