Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
