I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
