So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
His nipple licking is glorious
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