the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
