So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
