I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I got inside last night via doggy door
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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