WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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