so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize