i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
two words...techno handjob
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
being pregnant is like rehab
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
