Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize