I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
