Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
