Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
