So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
you had me at cake vodka
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
