Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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