I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
