What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize