is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
