You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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