I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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