i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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