How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
