so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
