Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
